I guess I Did Write Again (old)

Hmm...a lot has changed since my last post. I've made like one friend, but I'm not disappointed. I didn't get a job, and I'm still pretty upset about that. And finally, I broke up with my boyfriend. Why did I do that? I was so sure of myself that day. I really believed that it would be that easy. He would laugh about it, and we would move back to being best friends right away. Of course it didn't happen like that. He was so upset. He didn't talk to me for a week and it probably would have been longer if I didn't give him his birthday present. Yeah, I broke up with him a week before his birthday. Pretty low huh? I guess I just wasn't thinking. I didn't know that I would still be waiting for him to call, and that I would still be excited to see him everyday, or get jealous when he talks to other girls. I really believed that if I just broke up with him, I would stop caring. It's been a month now, since the break up. I still love him...And it's pathetic because every normal person moves on at least within a month. I'm far from a normal person. My ex has moved on. And with me still loving him, and him not loving me back is ten million times worse then the way I felt when we were still going out. Would I go back and take back breaking up with him? No. I wouldn't. Deep inside I know it was for the best. I just know. But I can't say that I don't regret it and that I don't hate myself every day for it. But I guess that's part of the whole experience. Forcing yourself to do something that you don't want to do. I didn't WANT to break up with him, I NEEDED to. And the crazy thing is, I've gotten better. I smile a little more than before. I talk to people that I usually would have ignored because I would have been too focused on Daniel. I still think about him all the time, I still miss him, and when he's near, I still want him. But when we aren't together, I am actually able to focus on other things. When I talk to people, I'm actually thinking about our conversation instead of Daniel. My love for him goes off and on. One moment I could care less about him and I am free, the next, all I want is to be with him and my whole world goes crashing down to the ground. I've recently had that moment. And it's really hard because I've started to notice that when me and Daniel start laughing again and maybe even flirt a little, he pulls away. He simply becomes mad at me for absolutely no reason. And it's hard on me because right when I think we are finally at peace, that's when he starts up the drama once more. Eventually I'll get over him, probably in second semester when we will no longer have a class together. But it's strange because I'm a little afraid to get over him. I cringe at the fact that if I walk away from him now, that will be the end. We will go our separate ways and never see each other again. Before, I knew he wasn't the one I was to marry, but I thought he would always be a friend. A lifetime friend. But it isn't so. He won't be my friend. And I can't force him, so I guess that's how it's gonna go. And whenever I talk to another guy, I couldn't imagine going out with him because he isn't Daniel. I feel like I will be single for the rest of my life. Because I will only be looking for another Daniel, and well, there is only one Daniel in existence, I know that for sure.