Loyalty is a Curse

Why must I cling to you?
Why must I stick to you like glue?
Why must I adore you?
The love, it is so true
I want to hate you
I want to kick you till you're blue
My pain is your pain
That is what I wish on you
You no longer have a care
You've turned your back on me
But I guess it's only fair

I was not the best to you
I stomped on your heart with knives
But you've shattered mine
These lonely tears can only prove

My Loyalty
Is my Curse
It is not willing
But by force
My Curse
Is my Loyalty
My Curse
Is You

You've seen me cry
Right in front of you
You've heard my sobs
They whispered in your ears
You wrote me a note
Begging me to get over you
I said I couldn't
You said you couldn't either

I was not the best to you
But I was better than you were
And here we are
You're in your world
And I am in mine

My Loyalty
Is my Curse
It is not willing
But by force
My Curse
Is my Loyalty
My Curse
Is You

It is not my love
That feeds this
It is distant memories
Snapshots of us together
I said we wouldn't last
You said forever
My curse is self-inflicted
For I believed in you
Now you are free
And I will let you be

My Loyalty
Is my Curse
It is not willing
But by force
My Curse
Is my Loyalty
My Curse
Is You

Unwanted Loyalty

Loyalty is a good trait to have. Its presence gives strength to friendships, relationships, business, and other affairs. However, such a good trait should have its limits: If a person has dedicated loyalty to someone who does not return that same loyalty, the person should stop being so loyal. That person is the one who suffers--the one who gains nothing. The other feels no pain and takes advantage of him. The person of loyalty should stop being so loyal; he wants to stop being loyal, but he doesn't have the self-control. He simply cannot do it. Without that loyalty to that other person, it's as if he has no purpose--he ceases to exist. Without some type of acknowledgement from that other person, he has no satisfaction with his life. So, instead, to have a good trait, such as loyalty, is to have an eternal curse he is unable to escape. It is as if his heart has been super glued to something that is no longer there, thus the loyalty continues. Why must the loyalty continue? Why can't he move on? Why can't he let go? Perhaps he is waiting, perhaps not. Perhaps he is hoping for the person to wake up and return his tenacious, unconditional loyalty, perhaps not. Maybe he already knows the situation is hopeless, but he does not care. One thing is for sure, he remains loyal to that other person, whether he wants to or not.

Mental Break down

How could you just leave me like this? Why can’t you just care about something for once in your life? Why can’t you be the guy you were when I met you? What happened? What were you thinking when you lied to me? What were you thinking when you told me you loved me without meaning it? You must know how much I care about you. How can you tell yourself you’ve done no wrong to me? Do you not understand that the things you do hurt me? They do…they hurt me severely. I may glare at you, but I’m only covering my tears. I may ignore you, but I’m always thinking about you. I may try to erase you from my life, but you will always be in my dreams and my memories. I may act like I don’t care, but I do. More than you’ll ever understand. I did break up with you, but only because I couldn’t handle being in love with you. I didn’t break up with you because I didn’t care. But you turned your back on me because you didn’t care…over and over. You only talk to me when you’re in the mood. When you called, I knew I should have not answered the phone. But the only reason why I did, was because I needed to hear your voice…one last time. You probably called me to rub in my face your perfect life. Your perfect world. You had so much to talk about. All I could do was listen. I had nothing to say. I wanted to talk to you so badly, about everything. But I knew you would probably make fun of me. Make me feel worse about myself. So I had to put my guard up. You probably took it as me being rude to you, but it wasn’t like that. I was protecting myself from you. My heart can only take so much. I can’t let you in anymore. I have to keep my distance. You would kiss me to just be able to kiss a decent girl. Nothing special about it for you. But I would kiss you, I did kiss you because I loved you. You are the only one I can imagine kissing right now. Yeah. I’m pathetic. I know. I could probably do so much better than you. Even you thought that. You couldn’t believe I was going out with you. But, I don’t want to do better than you. Something about the way you were made me feel so comfortable with you. I didn’t have to worry about anything. I thought you would be there for me forever. But no, you left me. You are no longer who I thought you were. You’re not any different. You’re just a typical guy, I guess. Such a shame…
Do you ever think about me? Are you really completely over me? I think I can only get over you to a certain extent. It will never be completely. You were my first love. Even if I get married and I have kids and I find my real soul mate, there will always be a part of me that loves you. I love you like a friend, like a brother, and like a boyfriend all at once. Which probably sounds weird, but it’s not. It just means I really, really love you and even though you won’t be there for me, I will always be there for you. Always. I’ll always be waiting for you. I’ll never give this letter to you. Or any of the other ten letters I’ve written to you. They make me realize how much I really need to stop talking to you. You’ll never get it. You’re stupid. You’re stupid in so many awesome ways, but you’re stupid in a really bad way as well. You’re an idiot. That’s the reason why WE didn’t work out. You blew it. Do you still have your blue-button down shirt? Do you still wear Aqua Reef? I hated it when you switched to Pure Sport and Irish Springs. Do you still have the Shiny Toy Guns t-shirt I gave you? Do you still have the Stitch? Can you still do voices? I hope so…
With you…I have to be stone. I have to be as careless and cruel as possible. As careless and cruel as YOU. That’s the only way I can prevent you from shattering my heart. You say I hurt you, you say I shattered your heart. But I didn’t. Because you’re not the one crying for me and writing a letter to me two years later…

Sickness is a Cure

Every time I'm really sick and I'm too weak to get out of bed, I contemplate. I literally just lie in bed and think about my life. Lately, I've been miserable. I have no idea where my life is going, and I no longer believe in myself...I hardly value myself. And now, my parents are splitting up. This sent me into a deep depression because when everything seems to be falling apart I could always rely on my family to keep everything together. But now I don't even really have a family anymore. My dad will be staying in North Carolina while the rest of us move to Arizona. I will be leaving everyone and going to stay in Seattle with my other side of the family. If I thought I was alone before, this is going to make me feel like I'm lost in a sea of infinite blackness and there is no one that will even notice I'm gone...
Not only am I diffident and skeptical of myself, I am heartless as well. I haven't had a serious crush on a guy for over a year, and I think my lack of ability to love is slowly but surely spreading to my family. Even though I'm mentally in shock about my family splitting up, I feel numb inside. I feel absolutely nothing. It's as if all my emotions have been absolved completely. I hate to admit it, but I sense that this has something to do with my ex. After we broke up, he completely changed into someone unrecognizable to me. But this whole time I thought he was the only one who changed. But it isn't so. I may have not changed on the outside, and my personality may be the same, but there is an ominous ongoing change that is latent within me. I never noticed it until now. I am becoming indifferent and, I hate to say it, but emo. Instead of wanting to be kind to those who've hurt me or benevolent to people when I have nothing, I choose to seclude myself from society. I choose to hate everyone and hate myself. My ex claims that he's alone in the darkside and scarred for life, but he has no idea what loneliness is. He has no idea what it feels like to really hate someone. And he isn't scarred for life for he has been able to love again.
However, even though I feel that he could never understand what it really means to be alone and have no soul, I feel like he's the only one I can really talk to about this. If I were to talk to anyone else, they would think I'm crazy and simply, outrageous. But I know he would try to understand and let me know, it's okay to be semi insane. And I miss him...I feel like his care and love is my only cure. If he remains distant and cruel to me, I have no cure. I will forever be...in the darkness.

Never Enough

I will never be skinny enough, I will never be fun enough, I will never be pretty enough, I will never be strong enough, I will never be fast enough...I will never make God the center of my world, I will never get over my ex boyfriend, all my goals for myself are unreachable...I will never have enough friends, I will never have enough things or do enough things, I will never have high enough grades, my writing will never be as lyrical as I want...I am insatiable...was always insatiable...will always be insatiable. So. Fuck it.

Letting Go

I can let go of a job I never got, of an insult someone said, of a stupid decision that I've made. Of a lousy grade that I got, of practically any mistake that I've made...but the one thing that I can't seem to get over...the one person that I can't seem to let go of...is the thing that hurts me the most. When I had him, he didn't really make me happy, and to this day...all he does is depress me. All he does is make me feel worthless and he brings out the worst in me. But when I'm talking to him, or when I'm with him, I feel complete. I feel...quiescent. And even though he can make me as doleful as can be, he is the only thing that gives me true blissfulness. Music makes me happy, yes, but usually if the song reminds me of him.
Even before I met him, I knew there was something missing. Someone missing. Someone who understood me more than anyone. Someone who SAW me when no one else did. Someone who knew that I was amazing while I thought I was nothing. He used to be that guy. He used to be there when there was no one else. But now he's left me. And I thought, surely I would eventually get over it. That I would get used to life without him. But it isn't so. And I look at everyone else around me, and I see them letting go and moving on while I'm stuck. I feel so alone. Even the guy himself has moved on. And at the end of the day, this whole thing is...pointless. Loving him will get me nowhere. Missing him will only suffocate my soul. Thinking of him will only take over my mind. And all this really does is pull me away from what is really important: God.
So is this the Devil himself trying to keep me away from the light? Or is this truly my heart reaching out for something that isn't there?
I've tried to replace him with God. So that I will transfer my love from him to God. That I will transform my thoughts of him to thoughts of God. But I only end up failing. There are moments that I succeed, but every day when I wake up it's as if those moments never happened, and I have to start all over again. It's a constant struggle, a constant war. Battling the darkness to keep the light alive...

Just a Thought (NOT OLD) lol

When a child is born, in a small sense, it is perfect. His soul has come directly from heaven and has arrived on Earth in a new infant body. Of course children are sinful, for they lie, they defy their parents, they can become angry and hateful just as adults do. However, their sins are so simple compared to an adult's sins. When a child lies, he isn't lying about cheating on his wife or stealing money; he is most likely going to lie about taking a cookie or not finishing his dinner. Simple things. A child never really means to harm anyone. Well, usually he doesn't. Also, children do not worry about the complicated things adults do. They don't get distracted by so much temptation and addictions as overwhelmingly as adults do. They tend to stay closer to God, since the believe in him as much as their imaginary friend. They perceive the world as a gift from the Lord, and they live their simple, playful lives as if the whole world is a tremendous playground. (Yes Man) ha.
As a child gets older, circumstances, his wishes and wants, his beliefs, his soul--they all change. He is getting older, so his understanding of God's love becomes corrupted through the sins that the world conceals. The worries and the fears surround him. The child is no longer free. He becomes weighed down by guilt and dolefulness for his wrong doings and for all his disappointments. He becomes afraid and hateful as he learns with each passing day of what the world really is.
Now the child is an adult, and he forgets that he came from the heavens above. He probably forgets that he has a soul that is as loving and merciful as God himself. God only appears to be a myth now. The adult grows distant from his lord which causes him to become more singful than he has ever been before. His sins become more serious as they begin to harm all the people who love him the most. The pain and remorse, the regret and the guilt, the loneliness and gloominess; they all eat him away. They eat his soul away. And therefore he becomes soulless. He becomes lost. All his dreams, all his hopes, all his beliefs; they are crushed! Only until he remembers...
Whether it's attending a service of church, a call from a friend, and old photo, an old childhood memory; there is going to be some type of Wake Up call. Within this sudden realization, God is reaching out for his child as the young man lies helplessly on the ground. Through this Wake Up call, God is pulling the man to his feet and carrying him back to the path the man used to follow as a child. All the worries, all the sadness--it's all gone. All the pain and loneliness--Gone. The man remembers the feeling he had as a child. He remembers he came from heaven and that he has a soul that shines so bright. He remembers who he is supposed to be. All his dreams and hopes are revived. Strength is restored within him. The world is no longer a prison, but it is a playground once again. The Man is Free.