Sickness is a Cure

Every time I'm really sick and I'm too weak to get out of bed, I contemplate. I literally just lie in bed and think about my life. Lately, I've been miserable. I have no idea where my life is going, and I no longer believe in myself...I hardly value myself. And now, my parents are splitting up. This sent me into a deep depression because when everything seems to be falling apart I could always rely on my family to keep everything together. But now I don't even really have a family anymore. My dad will be staying in North Carolina while the rest of us move to Arizona. I will be leaving everyone and going to stay in Seattle with my other side of the family. If I thought I was alone before, this is going to make me feel like I'm lost in a sea of infinite blackness and there is no one that will even notice I'm gone...
Not only am I diffident and skeptical of myself, I am heartless as well. I haven't had a serious crush on a guy for over a year, and I think my lack of ability to love is slowly but surely spreading to my family. Even though I'm mentally in shock about my family splitting up, I feel numb inside. I feel absolutely nothing. It's as if all my emotions have been absolved completely. I hate to admit it, but I sense that this has something to do with my ex. After we broke up, he completely changed into someone unrecognizable to me. But this whole time I thought he was the only one who changed. But it isn't so. I may have not changed on the outside, and my personality may be the same, but there is an ominous ongoing change that is latent within me. I never noticed it until now. I am becoming indifferent and, I hate to say it, but emo. Instead of wanting to be kind to those who've hurt me or benevolent to people when I have nothing, I choose to seclude myself from society. I choose to hate everyone and hate myself. My ex claims that he's alone in the darkside and scarred for life, but he has no idea what loneliness is. He has no idea what it feels like to really hate someone. And he isn't scarred for life for he has been able to love again.
However, even though I feel that he could never understand what it really means to be alone and have no soul, I feel like he's the only one I can really talk to about this. If I were to talk to anyone else, they would think I'm crazy and simply, outrageous. But I know he would try to understand and let me know, it's okay to be semi insane. And I miss him...I feel like his care and love is my only cure. If he remains distant and cruel to me, I have no cure. I will forever be...in the darkness.